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I work out of home. The Curious Parent runs out of the spare bedroom. It is registered as a Private Limited Company. So for government filings, the CA wanted two pictures. A picture of me working with the laptop in the room and another picture of me standing next to the door of the house.
Nobody else was home so I asked my 7-year-old daughter to help me shoot the picture. She had hurt her little toe in school that day so she was hopping around a bit. In general, she likes taking a picture. So she came over to my room and shot a picture of me with the laptop and the table.
One picture done!
Now we had to go out and take the second picture. She came to the drawing room and said my foot is hurting Dadda, I am going to sit. I said can you come and take one more picture, it will take 1 minute. She said ‘no’ and started reading a book.
My daughter’s friend who is 9 was also there. Because both of them are always together I also know her very well. We go to the swimming pool together, we go to IIT to climb the hill together, and we go on scooter rides together. Lots of stuff.
Both my daughter and the 9-year-old had spent the afternoon making something out of books and Lego blocks.
And the 9-year-old was still doing something with the contraption.
I asked her: can you help me take one picture that I need urgently?
She said: No. I am busy.
And I lost it. I shouted.
I said: Kids, I spend so much time with you, I take you swimming, and we go on scooter rides. And you can’t take 1 min to help me click a picture I need?
Both of them looked at me. And I realized the mistake I had made.
A mistake born out of expectation.
Out of the thought process: I do so much for you. Can’t you do even this much for me?
The most basic mistake a parent should avoid.
The mistake everyone can avoid in a relationship: is the mistake of give and take. Of doing something for the other person thinking that you are doing it for them. Because the moment that thought enters your head, it creates a future expectation of return from the other party.
And the relationship becomes a transactional one.
For the past few years, I have been clear that I don’t do anything for anyone else. I do everything for myself. If someone has called me to a party, if I choose to go, it is because I want to go, not for any social obligation. If someone needs some help, I choose to help because that gives me satisfaction, not because I am a kind guy and the other person is a beneficiary. I choose to do The Curious Parent not to help parents but because it is a deep desire within me to pursue understanding the child and I enjoy writing about it.
I choose to spend time with children because I love spending time with them. Not because I am doing something for them.
So when the words came out of my mouth I knew I had made a mistake. And realized that instead of reacting, I could have acted differently.
The 9-year-old was busy with her contraption which may have meant the world to her. I could have gone closer to her, at her eye level, and said: I do need your help for this picture. It will take one minute and you can go back to doing what you are doing.
The toe of my child was hurt. I could have gone over to her and said, I know your toe is hurting. Let me pick you up. I will put you down outside the door, you take a picture. And then I will put you back. Deal?
Instead of shouting, this would have in all probability solved the situation. Thankfully, in most relationships and definitely in the ones with our kids, there is always time for improvement. So here’s to trying to be more sane the next time over!
P.S: Children learn empathy by being shown empathy. That is how the neuroscience of the brain works. The capacity we show to understand our children will be reflected in the capacity our children build to understand the world and the people in it. That is what science says.
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