The topic of finding a soulmate does not fall under parenting because, as yet, no child is involved. But eventually, in most cases, a child does get involved. Then the relationship and expectations that parents have of each other start to matter and shape the life of the child as well. And also because, eventually, the illusion of a soulmate boils down to a simple fact: the life of the person, when they were children long before we met them, matters.

But how does it matter for our expectations from our soulmate?

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Growing up in 1990’s Bollywood, one could easily fall for the idea of a soulmate: a person so compatible that one would want to spend the rest of their life with them. A person one could bump into on a train ride in Switzerland. A person who will pursue you until you say yes. And because this person loves you so much, you, too, feel like loving them back with all your heart. The movies would generally end here as if finding a soulmate and marrying them was the end of a quest—and the start of a happily ever after.

Sadly, as most of us find out—or maybe all of us find out—there are no readymade soulmates (if you are under 30 years of age, please don’t comment that they exist; wait for life to happen to you).

Why can I say this with conviction?

The idea of a soulmate warrants ‘love and understanding to happen’ no matter ‘what happens in life.’

For someone to exist who will love and take care of you no matter what—from the moment they meet you to the end of life—that someone would have to understand you in each and every situation. They would need to be kind, loving, and empathetic toward you because they understand what you are going through.

But to be able to do that, the soulmate must look at the world the same way as you do.

This is impossible because all of us look at the world differently. We don’t see the world similarly; we see it through the lens of what has happened to us in our life—especially in our childhood. So, for the idea of a soulmate to happen, two people would need to have had the same or similar life experiences for them to view the world and interpret each situation in a similar manner. That does not happen—even for siblings. Forget a random stranger who you happen to fall in love with and who completely understands you; even the first child and the second child don’t get the same family and similar situations for their brains to develop the same way.

What does happen in real life is that, as soulmates live with each other, each one discovers the other’s worldview in their interactions with the world and finds fault with it because their worldview differs.

This is the start of the end of ‘soulmate love’—the start of the real world where the Bollywood movie ends.

This does not mean soulmates are not possible. It only means that soulmates are not found as they are shown in Bollywood movies. Soulmates are made with hard work. They are made by accepting the partner’s worldview, sharing your worldview, and through countless conversations as life throws everything at you. They are made by sharing your childhood, and life history and looking for a mirror in each other. To understand why one does what one does, why one snaps, and what makes the other person tick. This requires setting aside judgment. This requires the willingness to prioritize ourselves and the person we have chosen to spend our life with over our busy lives. How else would one find the time to know all this?

If even one of the partners is unwilling to change, update their worldview, or look at situations differently—more importantly, unwilling to look at them from the perspective of the person they have chosen to live with—soulmate love is not possible. (It’s highly probable you are that partner, not your better half.)

If you feel your partner is the obstinate one, rest assured (the probability is high) that your partner also feels the same. If you are many years into your marriage, the good news is that you can start anytime. What I know for sure is that the journey of soulmates does not start with wanting our partner to change; it starts with changing ourselves and our worldview.

Soulmates are not found on a train in Switzerland while shopping for cowbells. A person is found. The only thing that probably holds true from the Switzerland train ride about soulmates is that it is a journey.

Soulmate love is tender business—like attaining perfection. It is hard work—daily, weekly, monthly, annually. It takes a lot of effort. And then, once you get there, you don’t stay there forever. You have your good days and bad days as a couple, but hopefully, the longer you stay with each other, the more often you touch it. Because you now have a shared worldview—a worldview that is neither hers nor mine but belongs to both of you together.