It started with a simple thing.

A 6-year-old child woke up for school. A mother woke up too looking forward to her day. She had just come back from her own mother’s house and was still feeling warm and snug. The kind of warmth that for many of us can only come from visiting our parent's house. From being taken care of.

It started with a simple question: Mumma, what have you given me for lunch?

Beta I have packed Bhindi (ladyfinger) and roti, the mother replied.

I don’t want Bhindi, the 6-year-old screamed. I don’t want it.

But I have already made it Beta.

You don’t listen to me. You never listen to me. The 6-year-old started shouting.

Arey, why are you shouting? Can you talk softly, please? I don’t like this.

You don’t listen to me, I don’t want Bhindi. I always get Bhindi. I don’t want it. I will not go to school.

Speak softly. Stop shouting, please. I don’t want you shouting: said the mother.

But you don’t listen. I will not eat Bhindi. I will not go to school: said the child.

Ok, fine. Don’t go. Go to your room. Don’t go to school.

And suddenly a sunny morning transformed.

The child wishing she had a mother who listened. And a mother feeling that after doing so much for everyone, why can’t they even talk properly to her? Wishing she could go back to her own mother’s house where she could be free.

This is a normal scenario that happens in so many houses. Somedays a child or even us as adults just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Feeling grumpy, and irritable without knowing why. And if you are a child, this is doubly tough not knowing ‘how to manage that emotion’.

And as parents who have been loving and have given so much independence to our children, we can feel not being reciprocated in that moment. We can feel that if we have given independence then the child has to be responsible for their behaviour.

Which sounds fair, but sadly untrue. Because the child’s brain is still developing and they are still learning how to behave. And they learn not by listening but by seeing. And they can learn only once their own nervous system is regulated and within their control.

Let’s replay the whole incident again and see what we could have done differently.

Scenario 1

It started with a simple question: Mumma, what have you given me for lunch?

Beta I have packed your favourite, Bhindi and roti, the mother replied.

I don’t want Bhindi, the 6-year-old screamed. I don’t want it. You don’t listen to me.

Ohh ho. Ya looks like I don’t listen to you. Oops. What did you want for lunch?

I wanted something else today.

Ahh, I can understand that. Some days I also don’t like bhindi. We are late for school now. So let’s do this, once you are back, why don’t we sit together, make a meal plan and you can write all the things you want to eat and I can make them for you. And then I will also not forget.  What do you think cutie pie?

Ok, Mumma.

Scenario 2

It started with a simple question: Mumma, what have you given me for lunch?

Beta I have packed your favourite, Bhindi and roti, the mother replied.

I don’t want Bhindi, the 6-year-old screamed. I don’t want it. You don’t listen to me.

Ohh ho. Ya looks like I don’t listen to you. Oops. What did you want for lunch?

You are not listening to me. I don’t want Bhindi I am saying. (the child starts to get more hyper)

The mother goes down on her knees smiling, and holds her daughter gently by her shoulder. Says to her: hi, I am trying to listen. Ok. I am here. I love you.

(The child starts to calm down)

I don’t want Bhindi, she says. Her voice softer.

Mother still on her knees: Ahh I can understand that. Some days I also don’t like bhindi. What should we do, what should we do? We are late for school now. So let’s do this, once you are back, why don’t we sit together and make a meal plan and you can write all the things you want to eat and I can make them for you. And then I will also not forget.  What do you think cutie pie?

Ok, Mumma.

We can make a hundred scenarios like the ones above. In all such scenarios hoping the child is more mature than us will only lead to more tantrums.

When I heard this incident from the mother the fundamental thing for me to understand was that children learn by seeing adults. If we want our children to not shout, we will have to talk to them calmly. It is hard. But the truth is that empathy can’t be taught through words. It can only be learned by experiencing it.

If this was helpful, you can use WhatsApp to share it with other family members and friends.