A mother wrote to me asking: how do I get my child to read? In doing new things?

And in another minute she typed the thought shared below:

This is what happens when we can take a little bit of time to step back and reflect. Rather than seeing only the symptoms, we can hopefully see something deeper.

Such a wonderful reflection: she felt her child was not trying out new things because of the fear of being judged. And the mother wants her child to not feel as if the world is out to judge her and have the confidence to do whatever she wants to do.

So instead of continuing to chat on WhatsApp I called the mother and asked her: when did that happen for you? Do you feel that you have the confidence to do something without feeling judged?

She said: that it is only in the last 4 years that she has been able to do what she wanted to do. Before that, she always felt that whatever she did, the world was watching and judging.

I remember having a conversation with the mother 4 years earlier when she was considering doing a postgraduate degree from a reputed school and I had asked her why. She didn’t have a clear answer to give because the answer was simple: she only wanted the brand name of the institute so that others might look at her differently or maybe she would value herself more.

And I remember saying to her then: I don’t think you need another degree. Whatever you want to learn, learn on the job. You will learn faster and save money.

As we reflected together, this became clear that even as adults we are afraid of being judged.

Then why expect anything else from the child?

One could argue otherwise. This seed of ‘lack of confidence’ or ‘confidence coming from brands, external sources’ is laid in childhood.

I would agree with the premise that our first ‘personality’ is formed in childhood. I have never been able to raise my hand in class and ask a question for fear of being ridiculed. It’s been always hard for me to do except in the last 5-6 years when I stopped giving a damn about what others think. I no longer cared if others felt I was stupid or not.

But let’s come back to the mother’s question: if you have a child you feel lacks confidence, what can you do as a parent?

If I were in that position, I would

• first remind myself how long it took for me to feel confident, to ‘feel capable’
• secondly, I would not do anything to make the child feel less capable. Young children borrow from the reaction of adults and if we give them the feeling that they are incapable they absorb it
• thirdly, I would check how much time the child gets with a loving adult. A loving adult’s presence (quantity of time) is important for the child to borrow confidence from. That I am worthy of being loved. I am worthy of being given time. Time may be less and if it is, I would work on increasing that time. This is more important in the first 7 years of life
• finally, I would engage my child in situations where the child has to step out of their comfort zone in the presence of that loving adult.

E.g., at some point, we felt that our daughter was not asking for water from the person serving in a cafe. She would ask us and then we would ask for a glass of water. This was something that we wanted to change as parents. Get our child to interact with the world.

So one day when my daughter and I had to go to pick up my wife, we sat in the car and I said to her let’s take a cup of coffee for your mom. She said ok. When we got to the coffee shop, there was no way to park, so I said to her: can you get a cup of coffee for your mom? A hazelnut latte, medium size with no sugar

She took my credit card, went inside the coffee shop, and got that cup of coffee. I felt damn proud.

It was not a test. The idea was to create opportunities where our kids can take small steps to feel more capable. If my child hadn’t done this, I might have said, ok let me park the car somewhere but the policeman might tow it so I will quickly give the order and come, but you stay there and get the order when they call mumma’s name.

The core idea is to present opportunities to feel more capable

These opportunities vanish from children’s lives as we try to keep them safer in today’s world and as maids/technology do more and more of our work, including opening doors automatically. Forget complex opportunities, simple opportunities to use muscles, our limbs are being taken away.

And these are opportunities we need to create for our children while having the wisdom to step back and remind ourselves how long it took for us to be comfortable in our skin.

Wishing your family lots of joy and love.

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