When I started CoCubes in 2007, I was 24 years of age. So before I turned 25 I was managing (I preferred the term leading back then) 20-odd people. I was a ‘first-time manager’. By 2010, this had gotten to about 100 folks. The number of people I was managing had increased but the skills to manage were still being learnt.
And a useful lesson I learnt was to ignore.
In the initial years: someone would come and complain about a colleague or a junior or a senior. My sense of being the boss, at being in control would take over and I would immediately take some action. Sometimes without even hearing the other side of the story. Or even if I did not take action, my mind would already be made if ‘I felt’ the complaint was genuine.
It took many years to understand that unless it was a serious offence (sexual harassment etc.) the wisest thing to do was to ignore it. To tell them to solve it. If the folks were not emotionally mature enough and it repeated again and again, the second wise thing was to call both parties together to talk to each other in front of you and hopefully they find a process-oriented solution.
So when it came to kids it was easy to learn that children have a world of their own. And it’s intricate. And it’s difficult to understand. And if a child is complaining about another, or if one child hit another, who is at fault or if anyone is at fault, is not straightforward.
This came to my mind because a father wrote to me with the below message. I am sharing it as I got it. Read and see what comes to your mind.
As an unschooling father of two daughters, every day is a learning day for me.
I wanted to share one incident with you and am happy to hear your views.
Last week my eldest daughter (9 years) was hit (luckily no injury) by a fellow student (boy) during badminton practice. She cried and informed the coach. My wife called that boy and asked why did he do that. It seems he ran off.
Upon hearing the incident I called her and asked why did he hit.
Me: why did he hit you?
She: I picked a shuttle from his area.
Me: why did you pick it from his area? By the way, what is the area?
She: he picked some from my area so I did the same. Coach asked us to collect fallen shuttles. so all of us were running to collect more and to avoid fighting we decided to keep some boundaries but he broke the rules.
Me: ok. but why do you want to collect more? why don't you just collect some and give it to the coach?
She: I thought I will get a good name from the coach.
Me: All right. Looks like the boy started it. But why can't you simply ignore his crossing boundary?
She: don't know. I got angry and wanted to fight back. but why did he do that?
Me: I don't know why did he do that. Perhaps we want to get a good name from the coach assuming more is better. But you will always find similar people and situations as you grow. So you should not be bothered about these small things as your objective is to get trained in badminton practice. Having that happening, let's not fight for things doesn't matter. You should only respond when meeting your objective is affected.
She wasn't happy with my explanation and always wants me to fight back or scold when someone disturbs us like in movies.
I believe I did the right thing but with my daughter's disappointment, I felt bad. Thought of sharing with you and hearing your views.
As I read the note from the father a line that he had written immediately struck me. He had asked something interesting to his daughter: why can't she ignore this?
Which is a good question to ask. And which is the question I have for both the parents: why didn't you and your wife ignore this entire incident and let the coach, your daughter and that boy figure it out?
Why
Also, it became clear that the badminton court has its own official and unofficial rules that have been designed intricately by children. It’s their own world.
But what truly stood out for me was the truthfulness of the child. She did not hide that she had picked up a shuttle from the area of the other child. Here is a child not afraid of his parents (kudos to the parents for that) and is willing to share facts.
When one is a conscious parent, her child being disappointed can hurt more than usual. It can leave a void that feels like ‘I couldn’t do my job well’.
In my view, the reason behind this is our concern for our child, where we want to tell our child what the right thing to do might have been, rather than taking a step back and just listening. Looking to understand while doing nothing.
Children have their own rules, own boundaries and most times they can just figure out things themselves. When adults interject, small things can become big. And a lot of times the best thing to do is to listen, smile and ignore it.
Ignoring our children 99% of the time can be bliss both for them and for us.
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